So I'm a little behind…

Hello everyone! I just found the blogger app, and thought I would update!! It's been almost three years since my last post. Haha! So I won't try to update on everything! Just key points.

1. Sleep
…is a precious thing. And after 4 months of Terrah being with us, it was almost a forgotten thing! My sinus infection was still with me, despite people telling me it would go away once Terrah was born. Terrah became a bad sleeper. I couldn't lay down and breathe-- I was dependant on NyQuil to get any amout of sleep.

And thus we struggled for over a year of life. Blah!

2. Adjusting to life as a mother
…has not been as easy a transition as I thought it would be, to be honest. It's been a much bigger challenge than it thought it would. I realize that that is connected to experiencing post partum depression, as well as not sleeping-- but man, people were not kidding when they told me motherhood would be the hardest job I would have! Suddenly, showers were a luxury. Changing out of my pjs and into any other clothing was dressing up. I was spending 6+ hours again with my sleeping baby (always trying to get some sleep when she did, I slept with her. It rarely worked. ) my life had changed so completely, I struggled for a while trying to rediscover myself.

But, for the most part, I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I remembered what my life was like when I could just call up a friend and go out for the night, or sit and read a book for hours without interruption…but I didn't want it back. I loved the newborn baby laying over my shoulder, smelling the way only new babies can smell. I loved the baby that was so proud when she learned to roll over, and always had a ready and happy smile. I love this toddler with a thirst for life and going past. I love this child who loves her daddy, grandparents, cousins, and babies so much. I love the challenge that she is for me and for all she is teaching me, and I love that she will be my baby for all eternity!

3. New skills!
The first exciting thing I learn was photoshop. When Terrah was about 7 months old or so, I started itching to learn something new. I was feeling lost, and needed to pick up a new hobby. Photoshop was great! I've always been interested in photography , but we couldn't afford a camera, so I learned how to use photoshop tore touch pictures I did has, as well as learning more with digital scrap booking. It's something I continue to do and love :)

The second skill I picked up was sewing. When my sister in law, holly, was expecting her baby girl, I wanted to make her baby something, but didn't know how. I've always had a love of blankets, especially quilts, and my sister Tami was big into making car seat covers for infants, so I asked my mom if she would teach me how to sew (since my sister lives in Utah-- boo!!)
Let me tell you, that machine was so scary! And cutting up such beautiful fabric made me want to run and hide! I've always had a fear of starting new things and then having them not turn out they way I wanted--so I rarely took on new challenges. But becoming a mom made me want to over come my fears, and I wanted to be able to make lovely things for people they could treasure. Anyway, I love holly's car seat cover so much, that I decided I wanted to make and sell them. I did a mom to mom show I St. Catharines, however, two days before the show I came down with a horrible flu. I did the show anyway, but didn't sell the amount of car seat covers I had hoped to. The sewing went on hold for a while--not because I was disappointed, but because I had sewn every nap time and night for over a month. I just needed a break. :) but I'm back at sewing now, and love it! I now find that once scary and intimidating hobby RELAXING. :) and yah, I make cute stuff :)

Well; that's update #1! See you in another 3 years :)

Finally! :)

Sunday, April 18th


Midnight.



There are two nurses taking care of me that have the same name (of course, now I can't even remember...maybe it was Nancy. I remember thinking, who cares? I'm in pain!) When they were trying to put my IV in, she blew the vain on my right hand. Great. More pain is all I need! Another nurse comes in for blood samples. Yay. More pokes. I ask them when the guy is going to be there to give me the epidural. "He's on his way!" They told me.





Lies!

Another 15 minutes go by and the dude is still not there! Contractions are aweful, and even worse now that I have to be in bed laying down. I'm also so tried. I think it's something like 40 hours I've been awake, but I also haven't been having good sleeps the past 9 months, so I'm really tired. I can feel my brain starting to shut down on me.

"Where is he?!" I asked again, sounding angry (based on fear) and pathetic, even to me. "He's on his way!" They said again. "You keep saying that!" I remember feeling and sounding so pitiful and upset.

I remember my body starting to shake uncontrolably-- I guess that was happening because of adrenaline or something, but it started to scare me! My mom and MIL were rubbing my legs trying to help me relax.

Sometime just after 12:30 the anathesiologist (sp?) entered the room!! He was really nice and light hearted, and worked fast, which was my favourite part about him. He didn't talk to me very much, which I was really thankful for--I was sick of people to people. lol One of my nurses told me to swing my legs over the bed, and she gave me a pillow to hold onto. Contraction. Pain.

She tells me that when he's putting the needle in, no matter what, DO NOT MOVE! I know she has to tell me this, but it really scared me! What happened if I moved? What was too much movement? What if I had a contraction and I breathed? Would I die?? But I was so drained, I couldn't even ask. I just nodded my head and closed my eyes. He waited until I was done a contraction, and then started his business. I felt a sharp, freezing poke, and another contraction came. It was all I could do not to move, not to sit up straight and deal with the contractions the way I had been. I remember the nurse telling me to breathe and the relax, and I wanted to slap her so badly! But I didn't even have the energy to tell her to shut up! lol. I'm sooo tired of feel pain now, I can feel my mind trying to fall asleep, and mostly for escape from it all. My world consisted of me and these pains, and I was sure it was never going to end. I think I had even forgotten that I was about to have a baby!

I feel another contraction come on except... something is different. The intensity isn't there. I still feel it, a lot, but it's dulled. The nurse asks me if I feel anything different, and I say yes. I feel another contraction come on, but it's dulled even more! My spirits lift a little, and they tell me I can lay down. Now that the contractions are almost "gone" I start falling asleep. My midwife starts asking me some question that I can't even remember, and I answer a few of them, then tell her to ask either my mom or Aaron, and I pass out.

3 hours later I start to wake up. Nancy and Nancy are on my left looking at some machines. They welcome me back to the world and seemed to find it funny that I could fall asleep so fast. "You were even snoring a little!" I remember them telling me. lol I couldn't believe I had only slept for 3 hours. Why had I woken up? Then I felt something really weird. It was a contraction, but there was no pain, and I guess a feel of having to go to the bathroom came on!

Next thing I know, my bed is being raised, Aaron is being given instructions on what do to for me, I'm being instructed how to push, and a mirror is placed in front of me and angled so I could see my "WOOHOO" :)

The next 25 mins or so went by in a blur, filled with Aaron lifting and holding my head, legs being shoved up to my ears, and holding my breath while I pushed, slumping back onto the bed... repeat... It was a really interesting experience, since I'm going on 3 hours of sleep and am still very drugged up! Thanks to the mirrior, I could even watch as I tore! Really crazy, since I couldn't feel anything, and just watched it happen! haha.

Nurse Nancy tells me she can see the head coming, and after a few more pushes I can see it too! I reached down with my hand and got to feel my little baby's head. A few more pushes, out comes this little person's face! I've never seen anything so amazing before in my life! I pushed again, and out the rest of her came! Immediately my daughter it layed on my chest and I get my first touch, first smell, first everything with the newest love of my life!

She was born at 4:54am

I remember looking at her, listening to her tiny cry, looking at and feeling her little body and thinking to myself, "So you're who was inside me!" and feeling complete shock. I was a Mommy. This was my baby. This is my life.

I remember watching Aaron as he touched her and leaned over her, and I remember his eyes and seeing the awe and love (and tiredness too :) ) in them, and my heart just swelling! I've never loved that man more than when I saw him with our daughter for the first time. I was so thankful for the man he was, that I was his wife, and that together we brought this beautiful little person into the world. It was such a sweet moment, and one I hope I never forget!

I remember them asking who was going to cut the cord, and Aaron said he didn't want to (he faints at the sight of/ though of blood) so I jumped at the chance! It was and interesting feeling of "releasing" her from me, yet she was now bound to me and my life forever is such a strong and unbreakable way!

I remember them laying her on my chest and her self-attaching, which was amazing! And then feeding her again laying beside me, listening to her little sounds as she tried to latch on, with Daddy right beside trying to help her. :)

This started getting choppy from then on. Now that I had done my job of getting her out-- I was zonked! I remember my Midwife stitching me up (a lovely 2nd degree tare) and taking the baby over to be weighed and measured (8.2 oz, almost 21 inches) and barely hearing her talk to Aaron about what she was doing... and I remember my mother in law asking me if I wanted to brush my hair, and I asked "Why? does my hair look aweful?" and she said no, just thought it might feel nice. lol

Really, the next thing I remember if my father in law coming to visit, and having to cover up so he could come in the room. lol I was awake for a few minutes when he came in, but then I was out again.

Once I was able to go pee, we were allowed to leave the hospital. I think it was around 11 or so in the morning when we left to head home. I got to ride in a wheelchair! :) Our baby girl was dressed in the same outfit her daddy wore when he came home from the hospital!

I remember feeling protective right away. While it would take several weeks for it to sink in that I was her mommy and that she was actually my baby and not someone else's, I sure felt protective! is she warm enough? Make sure that blanket it tight! Is she hungry? Well let me just try to feed her... even with people holding her, I was very protective. But that's getting ahead of myself. :)

Anyway, the long and short of it is, we made it home! My brother Ken and his wife Heather and their two girls came to visit with my dad, and I was so happy to get to show her off, even if I was falling asleep when people were talking to me. :) My dad gave me some flowers and a balloon ( that's STILL floating!) and Ken and Heather gave us some food! So nice!! :) Later in the evening Aaron's brother Matt and his wife Holly and their new baby boy Elijah came to visit! I don't think everyone was gone until 10:00pm and I don't think I had napped yet, so we both were super ready for sleep! lol

That night was scary, because I chose to co-sleep, but Aaron and I were both so scared of rolling onto her! But I was awake every 1-2 hours to feed her, plus waking up periodically to check on her. :) She was also still coughing up amniotic fluid and mucus, which did a very good job at keep us awake! man, I remember my heart stopping when she would cough up...But, we made it though the first night just fine!

We chose her name the next day after ruling out all the names on our top 3 list. We chose the lovely name Terrah. The next day we chose her middle name--Lynn (my middle name) And so we got Terrah Lynn Glanfield! CUTEST BABY EVER!

I am so grateful for this amazing experience! There were definately HARD parts, but I would do it all over again if it meant having Terrah! Motherhood is something I could never have prepared myself for, because for all the work that is invloved, I could never have imagined how much I would LOVE this sweet baby Heavely Father has entrusted to me! Every time I hold her I think, "I love you so much... but I have no idea what I'm doing!" and I pray daily that I'll be able to teach her the best I can, to love her the best I can, and that Heavenly Father will pick up the peices I drop and fill in the wholes. And I pray that when she's older, she'll forgive me for the mistakes I made!

I'm also so grateful for all the love and support we have been shown by family and friends! To make a list of everything everyone has done for me would take several blog posts! lol But I am so grateful for the amazing people my daughter gets to have around her, and for the example they will be to her as she grows! Thank you, and I love you all SO MUCH!

Day 2--Day of Sorrow

Saturday, April 17th, 2010

I laboured like that, alone, for about the first 3 hours. I didn't want to wake up Aaron yet, because I knew he would need his sleep, and for some reason I just didn't want to disturb him. Silly me. lol I was texting my parents though, and talking to my poor sister, Tami (who is going slightly crazy over this! :) She wants to be here very badly, and I wish she could be too... so she's compensating by not sleeping either. lol) She was doing great, giving me tips to try and helping me out as best she could.

I had called my midwife, Kelly, and found out she was at a birth, and so was her backup midwife. Which meant if I wanted to be checked or anything I would have to go to the hospital. I really didn't want to do that, and told myself I was still okay and could handle this myself for a little while longer, and see if the lady she was with would have her baby soon, making Kelly able to come to me. But I wasn't doing very good labouring on my own. I told Kelly I was seriously considering having a epidural. She knew I really didn't want that, and reminded me of the pros and cons to having one. I decided I would hold out a little while longer.

3:30am, I told my dad to tell mom it was time for her to leave to come here. I should have told her to come eariler--why I was trying to be "strong" by myself, I have no idea! I decided to get in the bath tub and see how I faired in there, and the water seemed to help me a lot, so I called to Aaron and told him to get the birth pool ready. It was already blown up, so he just needed to put the liner in and get the hose to fill it up. He was very attentive to me, asking me if I was okay before going to the house for the hose and a big pot for boiling water, and worked really fast and efficiently. :) I was feeling a lot better now that someone else was with me, and got a glimps of hope that I could actually do this the way I had always planned.

Aaron's mom, Carol, ended up coming over to help boil water to speed up the tub being filled. I wanted to get in there so badly! lol It quickly became apparent that I needed Aaron with me whenever I had a contraction. I needed to feel his strength and his support while I was going through those few seconds of pain.

Around 5:00am my mom arrived, sounding all cheery and happy, like we were having a party or something! lol It felt even more possible to have a home birth now that she was there, and having the support of her, Aaron and Carol really boosted my confidence level.

FYI-- Contractions SUCK! Mine were coming every few minutes and last somewhere around a minute. Some people told me contractions feel like a wave, starting off small, getting large and heavy, and then dying down. I didn't get to experience this. Mine just seemed to be already at the peak when they happened, and then stop, then come again! The best thing I could do was hold onto Aaron and breathe in while he rubbed my back upwards, then when I exhaled he would rub down. Meanwhile, I was rolling my head from side to side, trying to make everything as rhythmical as possible.

Aaron and I tried to rest as much as we could between contractions. However, that meant laying down for only a few moments, before I was saying Aaron's name (which was his cue to get up and start rubbing my back)

The day moved surprisingly fast. One minute it was dark, then we saw the sun come up, then it got dark again! lol

I was calling my midwife at various times to keep her updated. I think it was around 5 or 6pm that she was able to get to my place. That was another source of hope for me-- now that she was here, I could get this baby out of me! Oh, how nieve... She checked me when she first got there, and said I was 6cm. I was so upset. Only 6?! Didn't my body know how much pain I was in, how long I've been feeling it all for, and it had only opened to 6?! Everyone else thought this was great, which made me more upset. Dummies-- 9 would have been good news! lol

By now my contractions are right on top of each other. Kelly asked if my water broke, but I didn't know (how are you supposed to know when you're in water? lol) So she broke my water for me at are 8 or 9pm (those kind of details are fuzzy now... but doesn't really matter I guess.)

Now I'm feeling hopeful that this baby will come! There was even a time I thought I was feeling urges to push... Kelly kept telling me I would "know" when it was time... but I think I was feeling so done, I imagined I was ready. She checked me, and in a few hours I had only gotten to 7 cm. When I heard that, I could feel my spirits drop, like someone had opened my mouth and poured already drying cement down my throat.

I had been having a hard time managing the pain from the contractions for a while. My strong grunts and moans became higher pitched, and I could feel myself losing control of my breathing. Crying was becoming more and more frequent, and I could see the stress of my being in pain showing on Aaron's face, so I'd try harder, and tried to tell myself that if pioneer women could do this, if women have always been able to do this, I could too... But I was tired, and in pain. Aaron reminded me that we could always go to the hospital for an epidural, and told me that I wouldn't be letting myself down at all, and that he was proud of me and how well I was doing. Even Kelly suggested going to hospital.

Aaron and I were in the bathroom together while I finished a contraction when I had another crying break down. That's when I told him I was thinking of going to the hospital. He was encouraging, but told me it was my decision and that he'd support me with whatever I chose to do. I had so many arguments going through my mind... I had come all this way, only to quit now? Was I really this weak? I hate drugs and hospitals and Doctors, and never wanted my babies born there. I've been awake for so long, how much longer can I really do this for? And I knew the answer-- I was done! I knew there was an escape goat to the pain--and I wanted it!

So, I made up my mind. I announced I wanted to go. Once I had made up my mind, it was all I could think about. I was starting to feel my mind and body shut down, my strength leaving, and my overall drive was fading. Kelly had to pack up all her gear and call the hospital and I'm not sure what else.. My mom and MIL (mother in law) finished packing my bag for me. I was scared of the car ride, because contractions were hard for me to manage while I was sitting. I usually had to be standing, leaning on Aaron! (Poor guy got a real work out that day, too! Trying to hold up a fat pregnant woman. lol)

When they were almost ready to go, Aaron and I left first. I know Heavenly Father was watching out for me now, because I only had 2 or 3 contractions on the way to the hospital, and they seemed somwhat easy to manage. We got to the hospital, and Kelly took my to my room while Aaron did some paper work I guess, then met me in the room. I was the only woman in the ward at that time! Pretty sweet. :) We got there around 12:00am Sunday morning... which means, one last post before the end of the birth story! :)

Come back soon!ish...